Ways I Have Responded Thus Far To Weekly
Chain Emails I Get With Photos Of Friend's Baby:

-Growing so fast-wow!
-What a smile!
-Look at those eyelashes!
-Looks more like mom every day!
-Is that a tooth I see?

Ways I Really Want To Respond To Weekly
Chain Email I Get With Photos Of Friend's Baby:

-The photos you are sending me are huge. They
also often contain a virus. Can you please put
down the breast pump and learn a little thing or
two about Photoshop? Thanks.

-Your baby is ugly. I'm sure it will be cute when it
grows up but right now it is red and puffy and it's
head is cone shaped.

- I really don't need to see a photo of your baby's
private parts nor your baby in the process of getting
what looks to be a number two diaper change.

-Why have you nicknamed your poor child
'SnooKooNooPeePeeFace'? (*names have been
changed). This is not a flattering nickname nor will
it provide any advancement in the areas of your
child's developing self-esteem.

-You dress your child like a mini Britney Spears.
Your child is zero. The Nike shoes she is wearing
that cost you $700 will be in tomorrow's garbage.
Do your self a favor and spend the money on beer.

Dead Fish Report




We have our first dead fish in the new office fish tank.
Poor little guy. He's blue and tiny and yesterday was
getting his eyeballs sucked out by another fish of the
same kind. You know...a territory thing. Suck out the
the competition's eyeballs to show them who's boss.
I should try that sometime.

Hmmm...

Mom: "I took a look at that web site thing you have...
More Than Donuts...what's the name of your sister's
site?"

Just The Start...

Let me share a little tale about how my mother just
pulled me out of a meeting to ask me to please
try and track down before I leave work (at 5:35 to
dash over to Penn Station to catch a 5:45 train
home) a one pound bag of some obscure Japanese
sea salt that she has been just dying to have and
if I could please lug it the three hours it will take
me to get home which I will be for 48 hours.

Salad Greed

I got greedy with my salad toppings in today's take out
order. Plus it ended up costing $9.00. I don't know what
happened. I just went nuts. Might I suggest you DON'T
get the following on your salad-well at least not all at once:

-beets
-chick peas
-feta cheese (?)
-walnuts
-peas
-hard boiled eggs
-cheddar cheese (?)
-bacon (?)

I think I secretly wanted an Egg McMuffin.

Someone measured me today and I am 5'8"-
HEE HEE-that makes me glad.

Be My Guest

Why does Starbucks say, ‘Next GUEST please step down?’.
Last time I checked they are not a Bed & Breakfast, are they?
I don’t see no mint on my pillow. Plus I find their attempts to be
intimate very shallow because as soon as the lady dumps
change in my palm before I have a chance to grab my coffee
she’s already yelling in a booming voice, ‘Next GUEST please
step down!!!’ right in my face.

(*for the record I only go to Starbucks once in a blue moon…)

The Ashton Kutcher Fan Club

Do you think he'd write back?

Choking Alone-Not Fun

Have you ever choked when you were alone?
Not cough choke but full on choke where your
throat becomes the size of a pin tip and you
are literally gasping for air? Well I did this
morning. It was just me and the cat-the cat
staring up at me as I was about to die. At
least I thought I was. I could hear footsteps
upstairs of my landlord Heidi so I thought
at least I could run upstairs if need be.
Finally I just ended up zoning out to a state
of total relaxation so as to slow my heartbeat
down and not panic. Spooky. But I survived!

6th Grade Flashback

Nothing more to flash you back to 6th grade
then when a box of Carefree Thong pantiliners
drop out of your bag in front of an older guy
on the train and you are convinced he saw
the bright yellow writing on the box that says,
'With Stay-Put Wings!'

Home Sick




I haven't been home in a while. I just came across
this photo of me by a beach near my house. It made
me a little home sick!

If I Had To Be A Mime...

If I had to be a mime, trust me when I tell you
I wouldn't be the silver body painted kind, wearing
Risky Business sunglasses and freezing my body
in a horribly uncomfortable position for seven hours
until someone from Texas finally dropped a dime in
my bucket. Really.

The 1800's Called-They Want Their Bike Back

For the pretentious couple that was letting their
small child ride around the streets of SoHo today
on an ridiculously old antique bicycle complete
with a giant front wheel, may I tell you that your
kid is pretty much out to get his ass kicked.

Say My Name

For the record my name is not Christine, Chris, Chrissy,
Christian, Kirstin, Kierstin or Krispen which on a daily
basis I am called one of. Fuck this shit. I'm changing my
name to Honey.

IKEA Masters

If you didn’t know, IKEA delivers furniture in about 7,000 parts.
Ironically, the manual that accompanies your purchase is oddly
simple. It contains drawings that resemble those one might find
in a Playmobil toy set. The drawings are big and exaggerated
with lots of dotted lines and arrows. I’ve also noticed that there
are a lot of screws and washers in an IKEA purchase yet there
never seem to be enough screws for washers or washers for
screws. This is never a good sign. When you call IKEA for
more screws or washers or rails or table legs or wheels or
whatever it might be that they forget to send you, you should
know that everyone you will need to talk to in regards to screws
or washers or rails or table legs or wheels will mostly likely
be in a meeting. People by the name of Sue, Beenie, Deeanne,
Jed or Rainy will not be able to assist you. Trust me. Lucikly,
I have discovered one amazing thing about myself over the past
few weeks during our various massive furniture deliveries for
the new office…and that is that I actually have a talent for
assembling furniture. Good to know should this college degree
in Creative Writing thing not work out…

The Bitch

Last night I left work tired from yelling at more men.
Actual conversation that went down yesterday:

Me: “Hello, is this Levi?”

Levi: “Yes. Who’s calling?”

Me: “Levi, this is K calling. You were supposed to deliver
my highly over priced office chairs last Friday…I’ve left you
about seven messages…what’s the deal??”

Levi: “Oh…um…actually…Levi isn’t here right now…’

Silence.

Me: “Dude. You are so full of crap. I totally know this is you
Levi and I’m sick of your bullshit. My boss is freaking out
about these chairs and you have until tomorrow by 9:00am
to deliver them. And I'm not kidding.”

Levi: “Um…ok…sorry about that…I thought you were someone
else.”

Why We Are Friends

Turns out that Dana couldn't sleep either last night.
She even counted sheep like I did but it didn't work.
She pictured her sheep jumping over fences while
playing the accordion which made me laugh
because mine were wearing silver boots.

WARNING: Dangerous Chick Territory



Note To Chicks: Never borrow a guys' favorite T-shirt to sleep in.
Even though you may think to yourself, 'He won't miss this rag of
a shirt complete with holes in it!' he will disagree in all seriousness
and say, 'Hey! That's my favorite shirt! Just be sure not to rip the
collar, ok?'

Dear Mother Nature:


Remember that time I begged you...wished over and over again
for snow to come? Ah...just so you know I've had enough thanks.
I want my Spring. wah.

That Not So Fresh Feeling



Have you ever had the not so good fortune of being at work and
forced to listen to the first three minutes of a Pantene shampoo
commercial be edited on loop for three hours? Well I have. The
worst part of hearing the words 'fresh, shiny, smooth hair' 7,000
times is that I didn't wash my hair this morning.

A Poll

You run into an old boyfriend of four years
on the train. You two are from a very small
town and have known one another since
you were seven. You hang on to the same
pole on this morning's subway and are
about two inches from one another's face.
He pretends he doesn't see you. You:

a.) Say to yourself 'stop being such a loser
dude. I know you see me.'

b.) Continue reading your paper because
as you recall neither of you were ever
morning people

c.) Find some amusement in watching the
great lengths in which he goes to turn his
body around to avoid directly facing you

I did all three.

SO NOT MY MOM'S CAR-EVER

You Get The Car, I Get The Lips

It's sad when people get divorced because things
come between them-work, money, other people,
etc. While today's tabloid briefing didn't mention
what it was exactly that came between Alias star
Jennifer Garner and her former husband Felicity's
Scott Foley, I think it's safe to say it was probably
HER GIANT COLLAGEN (thanks five guys that
emailed me to tell me it's not Botox) LIPS. Jesus.
If I were him I couldn't sleep at night next to those
things. Who wants to be swallowed alive in their
sleep? pas moi.

Top That Carson Daly

All the interns are on spring break. That reminds
me of a time once back in college when my spring
break plans fell through the cracks and I was forced
instead to visit my grandparents in that hot bed of
spring break destinations otherwise known as -
The Vero Beach Florida Retirement Community.

The highlight of my trip included five days of rain,
numerous buffet style meals and a long walk on the
beach wearing uncomfortable flip flops that resulted
in a horrible case of shin splints putting me off my
feet for two days. Nothing like having a couple of
senior citizens smearing Ben-Gay on one's legs
to feel like a total loser.

Pretty sure the new diet doesn't allow
for what I had for dinner: an ice cream
sandwich and a beer. Sigh.

Done With Being Cheap

Trust me when I tell you the following:

-a $4 chinese lunch special tastes like a $4 chinese lunch special
-a free haircut looks like a free hair cut
-$25 boots feel like $25 boots
-a $4.99 shirt looks like a $4.99 shirt
-$3 face cream smells like $3 face cream

This looks like some random ad or something right?
Oh no. This would be a photo of my dad and little
chubby me looking like a boy and running naked
through the woods. This is what all your childhood
photo albums look like when your parents were
hippies back in the day.

*Note: two seconds after I post this I hear the cat
in the other room clawing the photo to bits and I
yelled, 'Stop it! Don't rip up my DAD!' ???

Sometimes I hate being an adult. One of those times
is when I go to a party these days and it's all stuffy and
wierd and people are drinking wine and there are things
like drink coasters and a designated place to put your
coats and the food consists of various cheeses and
ham and honey mustard... sometimes I miss a good
old rager of the high school type where all walks of life
cluster in some kid's divorced parent's basement and
it would smell all musty and there would be a beat up
pool table and mood lighting and stupid jokes and
all the Schlitz beer one could ever want in life and
something about the night would make you feel so
real, so alive and very real.

Anyone for a lamb shaped dessert smothered in what
looks to be BBQ sauce, sitting on a tropical island and
all the while representing both Easter and American pride?
Just let me know and I'll pick you up one from the local
bakery near my house.

Just A Small Town Girl



There are times living in New York that I am reminded I am just
a small town girl. One of those is when I go to the drugstore
Duane Reade by my office and it requires that I take an
escalator to buy toothpaste on the second floor.

Take A Seat Buster

Note to Joe Dumpster Dumping Coolio on this
morning's crowded subway...if it happens to be
'Bring Your Own Wheeling Office Chair To Work'
day again please be sure to take a friggin' seat
in it instead of leaning on it while you grade
papers taking up valuable space from your
fellow New Yorkers. Better yet-take a cab.

Dear Faithful MTD readers:

(insert the sound of one hand clapping)

I am being lame in my daily updates and for that
I am sorry. I am having a bit of the blog blahs, the
donut dumps-whatever you want to call it. I am sick
of the lay out of my blog-I want glitz, glam, flash and
sparkle but sadly I am a computer retard so there
won't be much of that happening here.

The good news is I plan to try and upload pix on a
daily basis. Hopefully it will be a good jumping off
point for some of my writing. Anyway, as for now
stay tuned-all three of you.

xoxoxo the donut

What is a bad girl exactly?
Not sure but I like to be one.